(Chris) Myrtle Milbert— An aspiring pre-teen inventor. She is quirky and unusually intelligent, but often comes off as arrogant or annoying. She dreams of appearing on “Fast Pitch”, a TV show that features inventors and their unique inventions, and sharing her quirky ideas with the world.

(Adan) Brooke— Myrtle’s best friend. She is bubbly and sometimes oblivious to the point that it’s misunderstood as stupidity. She believes that Myrtle should try to act more girly and “normal”, but still helps Myrtle in pursuing her dreams of inventing.

(Chris) Ash Milbert— Myrtle’s older sister. She is sarcastic and short-tempered, a stereotypical teenage girl. She sometimes helps Myrtle, but only when it’s convenient to her, and her irresponsible actions cause Myrtle’s inventions to be thrown out with the trash.

(Devin) Hunter— A boy in Myrtle’s neighborhood who Ash is asked to babysit. He is the same age as Myrtle and Brooke, but since Ash is babysitting him, all the other characters treat him like he is a little kid. However, he is very mature and admires Myrtle’s inventions and her intelligence.

(Kera) Mrs. Milbert— Myrtle’s mother. Although she is very nice to Myrtle and her friends, she is afraid that if her daughter keeps inventing Myrtle will not turn out to be a normal, healthy teenager, and tries to convince Myrtle to give up inventing. It is never mentioned, but Myrtle does not appear to have a father.

(Devin) Manuel— The trash guy for the Milberts’ house. He is foreign, probably from Spain or Mexico. He accidentally takes Myrtle’s inventions after they are thrown in the trash.

(Jensen?) Poppy Camels— The host of Myrtle’s favorite show, Fast Pitch. He acts like he’s the host of some really important show, but really he’s just a middle-aged actor who never hit the big-time.

(Adan) Claudia Fairchild— one of the Fast Pitch judges. She is a ditzy young woman and thinks everything is gross.

(Devin) Chadwick Butler— one of the Fast Pitch judges. He is an old, proper British man.

(Chris) Katherine Springfield—one of the Fast Pitch judges. She is a young woman who acts like a big shot celebrity.

(Kera) Contestant—a contestant on Fast Pitch. Kind of a weirdo.

(Devin) Security Guard—like two lines

MYRTLE

(in a used-car-salesman voice)

Good evening, my dear sirs and madams! My name is Myrtle Milbert and I’m fourteen years old. Today, I would like to introduce you to the most amazing, most revolutionary idea yet to grace our universe. What is this magnificent innovation, you ask? It is my pleasure to present to you, without further ado, the fabulous, the dazzling, the amazingly unprecedented . . . . . . spectacular, unbelievable, incomparable, most fantasterrific . . . the ksporke!

This 0.23 kilogram piece of the highest quality plastic known to man has been handcrafted into the form of a triple-edged sword; the ultimate multi-purpose eating utensil! Behold!: on one end, a razor-sharp knife that will slice anything from meat to vegetables to solid concrete with expert precision! On the other, a spoon head merged with with a fork, skillfully crafted so you can switch from drinking soup to stabbing chicken dumplings in the blink of an eye! But wait, you haven’t heard the best yet! This amazing device can be yours for only $57.99! You heard me; only $57.99! . . . Plus $38.55 shipping and handling. And if you order now, we’ll even throw in this free ksporke carrying case! That’s right, I said free! But this amazing deal will only be around for a limited time, so order now while supplies last!

BROOKE

Whoo! Yeah! Go Myrtle! Whooooooooo!!!!!

MYRTLE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

BROOKE

Yeah! Encore! Whooooooo!!!!!

MYRTLE

Okay, okay, you can stop now.

BROOKE

Whoo . . . yeah . . .

MYRTLE

So, you liked it then?

Brooke suddenly doesn’t look happy anymore and looks awkward.

BROOKE

Oh. Did I like it? . . . Well, um, I just kind of wanted to pretend to be a crowd, actually.

MYRTLE

Brooke!

BROOKE

I’m sorry! But I’m bored! This is the seventy-eighth commercial you’ve made me listen to! Can’t we do something fun?

MYRTLE

This is important to me! I need to make a good video of me pitching one of my inventions so I can get on Fast Pitch!

BROOKE

Myrtle, why are so obsessed with that lame show?!

MYRTLE

Fast Pitch is not a lame show! It’s a reality program that features up-and-coming new inventors. If the judges like your inventions, you can get sponsorship and become famous and stuff. And not to mention, we live thirty minutes away from the Fast Pitch studio.

BROOKE

(concerned)

Myrtle, look I’m your best friend, so this is hard for me to tell you . . . I think you might be in desperate need of a life.

MYRTLE

Hey!

There is a noise at the front door, as MRS. MILBERT tries to get in the door. The door is locked, so she knocks.

MRS.MILBERT

Myrtle! Honey! It’s me!

MYRTLE

The door is locked, Mom.

MRS. MYRTLE

I can see that, but my key won’t open it.

MYRTLE

Oh, right! I rewired the locks.

MRS. MILBERT

. . . You did what?

MYRTLE

Well, I figured that traditional locks weren’t safe, since any old burglar could just steal your key and get inside. So, I decided to bump up our security system. That’s a voice-activated lock. You need a password.

MRS. MILBERT

(getting impatient)

And the password is?

MYRTLE

Well, you know the song Take Me Out to the Ballgame?

MRS. MILBERT

. . . Yes . . . ?

MYRTLE

Sing it.

MRS. MILBERT

You’re kidding.

MYRTLE

No. Trust me, it’s for the safety of us all.

BROOKE

Come on, Mrs. Milbert. You can do it.

Mrs. Milbert sighs and starts singing.

MRS. MILBERT

Take me out to the ballgame

Take me out to the crowd

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack

I don’t care if I never come back

So it’s root, root, root for the home team

If they don’t win it’s a shame

‘Cause it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out at the old ballgame!

The door beeps and then opens. Mrs. Milbert enters and looks around.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh, dear. Look at the mess you’ve made, Myrtle. Your little toys are strewn all over the living room.

MYRTLE

Uh, first of all, Mom, these aren’t toys, they’re my inventions. And second, isn’t a mess. You’re looking at the bi-product of innovation. This is what happens when you live in the midst of a genius.

MRS. MILBERT

Is it? In that case, I’d better have you taken from that Gifted Education program at school.

MYRTLE

You’re laughing now, mother. But one day when my inventions are practically running the world, you may not be feel so . . . condescending.

BROOKE

So, wait. Are you hoping for an appearance on Fast Pitch or world domination?

MYRTLE

I was planning on a little bit of both.

MRS. MILBERT

What’s Fast Pitch?

BROOKE

It’s a TV show Myrtle’s auditioning for. It features inventors.

MRS. MILBERT

It sounds very educational.

BROOKE

I know, right? It’s barbaric!

MYRTLE

Hey, I think it’s on right now! Turn on the TV!

The Fast Pitch theme music starts playing, along with an obviously fake applause track.

POPPY CAMELS

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Fast Pitch! I’m your host, Poppy Camels! Now, let me introduce our judges!

First we have Chadwick Butler, founder of Butler Antiques and Self-Storage.

CHADWICK BUTLER

Hello.

POPPY CAMELS

Then there’s Claudia Fairchild, a semi-professional fashionista.

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Hi.

POPPY CAMELS

And lastly, Katherine Springfield, CEO of one of Missouri’s top technology companies.

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

Wassup!

POPPY CAMELS

Now it’s time to meet our contestant for today’s show! Come on out, ma’am!

There is more fake cheering, then it dies out.

CONTESTANT

(in a very nasally voice)

Hi.

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

Haha! Your voice is so weird!

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Ugh, why do we get all the losers?

POPPY CAMELS

Good evening, miss, how are we doing tonight?

CONTESTANT

Great, Poppy Camels! I can’t believe I’m really here! Will you autograph this dried cow tongue for me?

POPPY CAMELS

Um, you can keep your cow tongue, thank you.

(calling to backstage)

Put security on standby!

(to the contestant)

Alright, what kind of fabulous invention do you have for us today?

CONTESTANT

Well, Poppy Camels, I’m glad you asked. Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats and prepare to be blown away by . . . Cool Pits!

There is a whirring sound.

POPPY CAMELS

Um . . . that looks like a shirt with a couple of fans stuck to the armpits.

CONTESTANT

Oh no, it’s much more than that! The Cool Pits Underarm Ventilation System—TM—is the leading innovation in antiperspirant air-conditioned clothing! If you’re feeling hot and sweaty, simply turn on the state-of-the-art cooling system and—Viola!—a blast of cool air is circulated through the shirt.

POPPY CAMELS

Wow, the judges are going to really rip you apart. Speaking of which, let’s see what our judges have to say! Mr. Butler?

CHADWICK BUTLER

Well, where do I start with this one? It’s . . . well . . .

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Ew.

CHADWICK BUTLER

Yes, ew. Quite creative I will admit, but much too unclassy for my tastes.

POPPY CAMELS

Miss Fairchild, what’s your opinion of this invention?

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

That’s like so totally gross. Why would you want fans on your armpits? Then all the stinky air would blow everywhere and people would be able to smell it. Like, ew! Why can’t people just not sweat at all? So gross!

POPPY CAMELS

Alright, then. Now to hear from our last judge . . .

Katherine Springfield snores.

POPPY CAMELS (CONT.)

. . . Mr. Springfield? . . . Katherine!

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

Huh? Oh, yeah, that’s gotta be the weirdest invention ever, yo Pit fans? Please, I’m too cool for that. Haha, get it, too cool?—Yeah, like totally not my style.

(calling backstage)

Hey, can I get some soup out here?

POPPY CAMELS

Alright, it looks like this invention has been voted down by all three of our judges. Sorry, ma’am, but you’re out of luck.

CONTESTANT

Aha, but you haven’t seen my Cool Pits in razor-blade-shooting, flaming turbo-mode!

The whirring gets louder.

CONTESTANT

Mwahahahaha! Prepare to meet your doom!

POPPY CAMELS

Security!

SECURITY GUARD

Alright, you’re coming with us.

CONTESTANT

Nooooo! Curse you Fast Pitch judges! I’ll be back!

The Fast Pitch music plays again.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh dear. Myrtle, maybe it isn’t a good idea to audition for this show.

MYRTLE

What? Why not?

MRS. MILBERT

Well, those judges seem awfully unfair. I’d hate for them to hurt your feelings.

MYRTLE

Mother, you have to understand, sometimes life is unfair.

MRS. MILBERT

Aren’t I supposed to be the one saying that to you?

MYRTLE

Besides, they aren’t going to hurt my feelings. My inventions are awesome! For example, the hamster party ball.

MRS. MILBERT

Um, isn’t that just a hamster ball with lights?

MYRTLE

It plays music, too!

BROOKE

Show her the taco-flavored toothpaste.

MRS. MILBERT

Taco-flavored toothpaste? That sounds disgusting.

BROOKE

It is!

MYRTLE

Or how about the solar-powered flashlight?

MRS. MILBERT

What?

BROOKE

Or the fireproof matches?

MRS. MILBERT

That’s not possible.

MYRTLE

And the left-handed pencil.

MRS. MILBERT

That doesn’t even make sense!

MYRTLE

Sometimes genius doesn’t make sense!

MRS. MILBERT

Look, dear, please just promise me you won’t audition for this show.

MYRTLE

But I already did! I sent in an application last week and now all I need to do is submit a sample video of me pitching an idea!

MRS. MILBERT

Myrtle, honey, why didn’t you ask me first?

MYRTLE

(under her breath)

Not because I knew you’d say no . . .

MRS. MILBERT

Ugh, you’re giving me a headache, Myrtle. I’m going to go buy some groceries now. Please don’t make any more irresponsible choices.

MYRTLE

I’ll try my best.

BROOKE

And we know how good you are at following directions!

Mrs. Milbert sighs and her footsteps recede.

There is a banging sound from the other side of the front door as MANUEL runs into it. He knocks.

MANUEL

Señora Milbert! It’s Manuel, the trash man!

MYRTLE

You have to sing to open the door!

MANUEL

Como?

MYRTLE

Sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame!

MANUEL

Okay . . .

(singing badly)

Take me out to the ballgame

Take me out to the crowd

Buy me some—

MYRTLE

Ah! Never mind! Have mercy!

There is the sound of the door opening.

MYRTLE

Here’s the trash bag. Goodbye! Go away.

MANUEL

Gracias—

She throws the trash bag at him and slams the door.

MYRTLE

(to Brooke)

So, you ready to film the next audition video?

BROOKE

Ugh! No! Can’t we do something fun?

MYRTLE

This is fun!

There is another banging sound as ASH runs into the door.

ASH

Ow! Myrtle, what did you do to the door?!

MYRTLE

Uh-oh, security breach!

ASH

Just let me in, you little twerp!

MYRTLE

Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m going to need you to identify yourself before you can come in.

ASH

It’s Ash, your older sister who’s going to strangle you in your sleep if you don’t open this door right now!

MYRTLE

Alright, just sing the password and you’ll be allowed in.

ASH

What?! No way!

MYRTLE

I’m sorry, but it’s the only way.

ASH

You want to bet?!

There’s a loud pounding noise, then the sound of the door breaking down.

BROOKE

Uh, did she just break down the door.

ASH (CONT.)

(to Hunter)

Darn right I did. Now come on, kid, get inside.

HUNTER

I’m scared for my life right now.

MYRTLE

(to Ash)

Um, you brought a child with you.

BROOKE

Ew, do you have a boyfriend?

HUNTER

Hi, I’m Hunter.

ASH

I have to babysit this punk because I smashed his mother’s car window with a rake.

HUNTER

It’s okay, really. Accidents happen.

ASH

Oh, do they? I wouldn’t know.

MYRTLE

You’re a terrible babysitter.

ASH

Oh, good, I’m so glad you agree! How sweet of you to take him off my hands!

MYRTLE

What? I never said that!

ASH

Never said what?

MYRTLE

I’ll take care of him for you!—Oh, darn it, she got me.

ASH

Great, thanks! I’m going to be in my room watching TV if you need me. Which you won’t.

Her footsteps recede.

BROOKE

I don’t want to babysit this kid.

HUNTER

I’m not a kid.

MYRTLE

Yes, you are.

HUNTER

But we’re the same age!

MYRTLE

What? No, we’re not.

HUNTER

I sit three desks behind you in science class.

BROOKE

It’s okay, Myrtle, he’s going through that phase when kids try to pretend they’re older than they are.

HUNTER

What?!

BROOKE

And they also make up a lot of stories.

HUNTER

I don’t like you.

MYRTLE

It’s alright, Hunter. I’ll still let you help me make videos. Here, you can hold the ksporke.

HUNTER

Whatever.

The phone rings.

BROOKE

Where’s your phone?

MYRTLE

In the ceiling.

BROOKE

What?

Myrtle claps and the phone stops ringing.

MYRTLE

(to Brooke)

Clap-phone.

(to the ceiling)

Hello?

POPPY CAMELS

Hello there, is Myrtle Milbert home?

MYRTLE

Yeah, this is Myrtle.

POPPY CAMELS

Hey, Myrtle. I’m Poppy Camels from Fast Pitch. I called to congratulate you.

MYRTLE

Congratulate me for what?

POPPY CAMELS

Our producer was impressed by how inventive you were for a person your age, so we’ve decided to feature you on our show.

MYRTLE

Really?

POPPY CAMELS

Of course! Can you be at the studio tomorrow night?

MYRTLE

Of course I can! This is like my dream come true!

BROOKE

Yay, this is so exciting!

Brooke starts clapping excitedly.

MYRTLE

Brooke, you just shut off the phone.

BROOKE

Oops.

The Fast Pitch music starts playing.

POPPY CAMELS

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to Fast Pitch! I’m your host, Poppy Camels!

There is fake applause.

POPPY CAMELS

On tonight’s show, we’ll feature another up-and-coming local inventor (and hopefully they’ll be a little less weird than the armpit fan creep from last night). Why don’t you come meet the audience, ma’am!

CONTESTANT

(in a high, squeaky voice)

Thank you, Poppy Camels! It’s so nice to meet you!

POPPY CAMELS

Hmm, you look familiar.

CONTESTANT

(nervously)

Um . . . Nope. I don’t think we’ve met.

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Ooo, she’s pretty.

CHADWICK BUTLER

Indeed.

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

Wait a minute, isn’t that the crazy lady from last night’s show?

CONTESTANT

I don’t know what you’re talking about!

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

(calling backstage)

Security! . . . And where’s my soup?!

CONTESTANT

Oh, but I haven’t shown you my invention yet. I call it—

(in her normal voice)

—the taco of death!

There is a thumping noise as the taco hits the floor.

CHADWICK BUTLER

Oh, that smells—

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Ew!

CHADWICK BUTLER

Indeed!

CONTESTANT

That taco has been sitting in the sun in a vat of old milk for over two weeks! Then I covered it in dirt and sewage and I even dunked in the toilet of a boys’ locker room!

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

I can’t breathe!

POPPY CAMELS

Evacuate the studio!

The judges and Poppy Camels run away screaming.

CONTESTANT

I told you I’d be back! Mwahahahaha Mwahaha!

POPPY CAMELS

(weakly)

Due to technical difficulties, this episode of Fast Pitch will be ending early. Join us later tonight as we meet Myrtle Milbert, the youngest inventor to be featured on our show . . . Oh no, I can see the light. I’m fading, I’m fading!

The Fast Pitch music plays again.

BROOKE

Myrtle, are you really going to make us role play right now?

MYRTLE

Yes! I need to practice my pitch, so you, Ash, and Hunter are going to be the Fast Pitch judges, okay?

ASH

I’m bored already.

HUNTER

Actually, I think it sounds kind of fun.

BROOKE

Shut up, Hunter. Okay, Myrtle, go ahead.

MYRTLE

Good evening, Fast Pitch judges! I’m Myrtle Milbert, and today I’m going to be sharing with you the newest revolution in peanut butter and jelly sandwich making technology! A match made in heaven: the roll-on peanut butter stick and aerosol jelly can!

ASH

Lame.

MYRTLE

Excuse me, ma’am, can I finish?

BROOKE

I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

MYRTLE

What?! You guys are so unsupportive!

BROOKE

I’m sorry, Myrtle. It’s just a little bit weird.

ASH

And stupid.

BROOKE

Yeah. And that, too.

MYRTLE

How is this stupid?!

BROOKE

Well, um, it’s kind of pointless because you can just buy jars of peanut butter and jelly and use a knife to spread it. It’s more cost effective and better for the environment.

MYRTLE

Yes, but then you would have to wash the knife in between using the peanut butter and jelly. Or you’d have to go and get another knife and then wash both of them!

HUNTER

Or you can just use both ends of the ksporke. Then you only have to wash it once.

MYRTLE

Wha—? You—But—I didn’t—That’s it! Go to bed without any dinner!

HUNTER

What?! What did I do?

MYRTLE

Don’t argue with me, it’s your bedtime!

HUNTER

Then why isn’t it your bedtime, too?

MYRTLE

Because I’m a big girl! Now go to your room!

HUNTER

But I don’t even live here!

MYRTLE

There’s a cat bed in the laundry room!

HUNTER

No way! I’m not sleeping in a cat bed! You don’t even have a cat!

MYRTLE

I think I’ve heard enough back-talk from you, young man!

She sprays him with a spray bottle.

HUNTER

Is that a spray bottle?!

MYRTLE

Now go to bed!

HUNTER

But—

MYRTLE

It goes to bed or it gets the spray bottle!

HUNTER

Ah! Okay!

His footsteps recede.

MYRTLE

Kids these days.

MRS. MILBERT

Kids? Are you home? . . . Oh my goodness, Myrtle what did you do? The door is off its hinges!

MYRTLE

I didn’t—

ASH

Yes, she’s a destructive little child, isn’t she?

MRS. MILBERT

Oh, and darling, you managed to make the living room even more of a mess! Didn’t I tell you to pick up your toys already?

MYRTLE

For the last time, Mom, they’re not toys! This is cutting-edge technology!

MRS. MILBERT

Well, your “cutting-edge technology” is making my house look like a pig sty. Now please clean it up!

MYRTLE

No! You’re the worst mom ever! You have no appreciation for true genius!

She stomps away.

HUNTER

Hey, Myrtle! This cat bed is actually really comfy.

MYRTLE

Shut up, Hunter!

HUNTER

Okay . . .

MRS. MILBERT

Oh, dear. I’m a little worried about Myrtle.

BROOKE

How come?

MRS. MILBERT

It’s not normal for a girl her age to be so absorbed in inventing. I’m afraid she’ll turn out . . . weird.

ASH

She isn’t already?

MRS. MILBERT

I just want her to fit in and be acceptable in society. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I made with Ash.

ASH

Uh, I’m right here!

BROOKE

Well, if she goes on Fast Pitch, she’ll only get more excited about it.

MRS. MILBERT

Maybe I should call the studio and tell them she’s not interested.

BROOKE

No! Don’t do that! She’ll be so sad. Then she’ll cry and we’ll all be really uncomfortable.

ASH

I’ll be enjoying it.

MRS. MILBERT

The disappointment will be temporary. But the public shame of being a weirdo will last forever. I’m just thinking of what’s best for her.

BROOKE

Wait, it’s probably just a phase. I mean, kids go through phases, right? And her inventions are pretty original, you have to admit.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh dear, it’s almost eight-thirty! It’s about time you headed home, isn’t it, Brooke?

BROOKE

Oh, I don’t know, I think—

ASH

Hey Mom, do I smell pie?

MRS. MILBERT

Yes, I bought one at the store . . . But you can’t have any until Myrtle’s friend leaves.

BROOKE

I think I should probably leave before I find out what happens to people who get in the way of your pie . . .

ASH

A wise choice.

Brooke’s footsteps recede.

ASH

Pie. Now.

MRS. MILBERT

You can have some after you put away all of Myrtle’s inventions.

ASH

What?!

MRS. MILBERT

Good night, honey!

She leaves.

HUNTER

Good night, Mrs. Milbert!

MRS. MILBERT

Hunter, what are you doing in that cat bed?

ASH

Okay, sure, I’ll put away Myrtle’s inventions . . . in the trash! Mwahahahaha!

There is shuffling.

ASH

Now where’s my pie?

There is music, then a rooster crowing.

BROOKE

So, it’s the big day, huh?

MYRTLE

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m going to be on Fast Pitch today!

There is a knock at the front door.

MANUEL

Señora!

MYRTLE

Sorry, Manuel, the lock’s messed up. It only opens if you sing in Spanish. You’ll have to come back later.

Manuel clears his throat loudly and starts singing well.

MANUEL

Llevame al partido de béisbol

Llevame con la multitud

Compreme cacahuetes y Galleta Jack

No me importa si nunca vuelvo

Y rugir, rugir para los Hot Rods

Si no ganan que lastima

Porque es uno, dos, tres y ponchado

En el pasatiempo grandioso!

There is a beep and the door opens. Manuel enters.

BROOKE

Wow.

MYRTLE

That was unexpected.

MANUEL

I just come for your trash.

He takes the trash bag from the trash can, then leaves again through the front door.

Ash and Hunter enter.

ASH

Hey, losers.

HUNTER

Help me!

MYRTLE

Hey, Ash. Hey, Hunter.

BROOKE

Um, Ash, are you leading Hunter on a leash?

ASH

Yeah. It helps calm children down. I read about it in a book.

HUNTER

That was a book about training guard dogs!

ASH

Hush!

She sprays him with the water bottle.

HUNTER

Stop spraying me with that!

ASH

No! Now, according to chapter seven I’m supposed to walk you twice a day. Come on!

HUNTER

Ah! This isn’t a humane way to babysit!

Mrs. Milbert enters.

MRS. MILBERT

Good morning, girls . . . Hunter?

ASH

Don’t question it, Mom.

HUNTER

Please question it.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh, you cleaned up the living room. It looks so much nicer without garbage strewn everywhere.

MYRTLE

Wait, you moved my inventions? What if you broke something? I need to check on them, where are they?

ASH

Uh . . . alright, Hunter, let’s go on that walk!

MRS. MILBERT

Ash, what did you do?

ASH

Look, I really wanted that pie—

MYRTLE

You lost my inventions! No no no no no no—

ASH

Calm down! I just dumped them in the trash bucket, you can get them right out.

MYRTLE

The trash?! Manuel just came and took the trash! Oh, no!

BROOKE

It’s alright, Myrtle.

MYRTLE

No, it’s not alright! My inventions are gone! I’m going to have nothing to show to the Fast Pitch judges and I’ll look like a total idiot!

ASH

Oh, don’t worry, you always look like a total idiot.

HUNTER

Wait, Myrtle. You didn’t lose all your inventions. I still have the ksporke. You gave it to me yesterday. It’s here in my pocket.

MYRTLE

The ksporke? But it’s so lame. Everyone agrees! I’ll just look even more stupid!

BROOKE

Maybe the judges will go easy on you because you’re a kid.

MYRTLE

Well, at least I still have four hours to prepare for the most embarrassing moment in my life.

The phone rings. Myrtle claps.

MYRTLE

Hello?

POPPY CAMELS

Hey, Myrtle. It’s Poppy Camels again.

MYRTLE

Poppy Camels? Is something wrong?

POPPY CAMELS

Well, let’s just say that there was . . . “an unfortunate accident” at the Fast Pitch studio. So we’re going to have to reschedule your appearance.

MYRTLE

Really?

POPPY CAMELS

Yeah, sorry. See you at the impromptu temporary studio in half an hour!

He hangs up.

MYRTLE

In half an hour?!

BROOKE

Doesn’t it take half an hour to get there?

There is a honking noise.

ASH

Uh, Mom, there’s a stretch limo outside.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh my gosh, they must have sent a driver. Alright, everyone get ready! We have to leave now!

HUNTER

Cool, I’ve always wanted to see a TV studio!

ASH

No, you’re not coming. You’re staying here in your doghouse!

HUNTER

What?! This is ridiculous!

ASH

Alright, you brought this upon yourself.

There is a beep, then a buzzing noise.

HUNTER

Ow! Wait a minute, is this a shock collar?!

BROOKE

Was that also in your dog training book?

ASH

No, are you kidding? That’s such a mean thing to do to a dog!

HUNTER

But not to me?!

She shocks him again.

ASH

Bad dog! I said hush! Now, come on guys, I want to go see if the limo has a mini fridge.

MRS. MILBERT

We’ll see you in the car, Myrtle.

BROOKE

‘Bye!

Everyone leaves but Myrtle and Hunter.

MYRTLE

Oh, everything’s ruined now!

HUNTER

Don’t say that. There’s still hope.

MYRTLE

No there isn’t! After all my hard work, all I have left to show to the Fast Pitch judges is my stupid ksporke!

HUNTER

I think the ksporke is cool.

MYRTLE

Well you’re wrong!

HUNTER

Myrtle—

MYRTLE

Besides, what’s the point? Even if I get all my inventions back, I’ll still be a loser anyways. I’ll find some way to embarrass myself. Then Mom will tell me I can’t invent anymore and all my friends will leave me.

HUNTER

Your friends aren’t going to leave you. That’s silly.

MYRTLE

Yes they will. I mean, who wants to be friends with the lame inventor girl who was publicly humiliated on national TV?

HUNTER

Myrtle, just because someone’s not popular, it doesn’t mean they’re not awesome. It just takes the right person to appreciate how unique they are. I mean, look at all the cool stuff you made. You’re so smart and creative and talented. And you’re brave, too, to go through with what you set out to do, even though the odds are against you. I’d rather be friends with a girl who’s all those things than just pretty or popular.

MYRTLE

Really?

HUNTER

Yeah. Totally.

MYRTLE

Thanks, Hunter!

HUNTER

Plus, you’re not at all violent and sadistic like your sister.

Ash knocks on the door.

ASH

Open up, loser!

MYRTLE

Just a second!

Hunter gets shocked again.

HUNTER

Ow! You see what I mean?!

ASH

Come on, Mom says it’s time to go!

HUNTER

Go out there and show those judges how awesome you are, Myrtle! I’ll be cheering you on from my doghouse!

MYRTLE

Okay, I’ll make you all proud!

Myrtle leaves through the door. There is a buzz.

HUNTER

Ah! And please take Ash’s remote away from her!

The Fast Pitch music plays.

POPPY CAMELS

Hey, folks! Welcome back to Fast Pitch! I’m your host, Poppy Camels. Get ready to meet Fast Pitch’s youngest inventor yet, Myrtle Milbert! . . . After this short commercial break.

There is more music.

POPPY CAMELS

Alright, take five, everybody!

There is noise and shuffling.

BROOKE

Wow, so this is what a TV set looks like!

MRS. MILBERT

How exciting.

ASH

Do you think they have a snack bar?

Myrtle walks up to them.

MYRTLE

There you guys are! So, I tried to dress up a little bit. How do I look?

BROOKE

Oh my gosh, Myrtle. You look so pretty!

ASH

Wow, I even think you look nice.

Mrs. Milbert gasps.

MRS. MILBERT

Oh, honey, you—you—

MYRTLE

Uh, Mom, you okay?

Mrs. Milbert runs offstage crying.

BROOKE

Mrs. Milbert!

ASH

Ugh. Parents.

BROOKE

I know. They get so emotional, right?

MYRTLE

Totally.

BROOKE

Okay, so here’s your ksporke. Are you ready?

MYRTLE

If by ready you mean about to pee my pants, then yes.

BROOKE

You’ll do great, Myrtle. Whatever happens, we’ll be proud of you.

MYRTLE

Thanks, Brooke.

POPPY CAMELS

Alright, people! Places!

BROOKE

‘Bye, Myrtle. Break a leg—Wait, no, don’t do that!

The Fast Pitch music plays again.

POPPY CAMELS

Hey, welcome back to Fast Pitch, folks! Now, I know you all have been anxiously awaiting this moment, so without further ado, I introduce Myrtle Milbert, our youngest inventor yet! Come on out, Myrtle!

There is fake applause.

POPPY CAMELS

Say hi to these wonderful people, kid!

MYRTLE

Uh . . . hi.

POPPY CAMELS

Oh, someone’s a little shy. That’s okay, because our judges will psychologically rip you apart anyway!

MYRTLE

What?

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

We look forward to it.

CHADWICK BUTLER

Indeed.

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

Like, totally.

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

And where the heck is that soup I ordered?!

POPPY CAMELS

So, Myrtle, we’ve heard so many good things about you. You’re an amateur inventor, but you come up with all your own ideas and create them yourself, is that right?

MYRTLE

Yes it is, Poppy Camels.

POPPY CAMELS

And I’ve also heard that you have over twenty different inventions to share with us today, is that true also?

MYRTLE

Uh . . . well . . . see here’s the thing—

Mrs. Milbert runs up.

MRS. MILBERT

Wait! Myrtle! I have to tell you something!

MYRTLE

Mom?!

MRS. MILBERT

Myrtle, honey, I’m so sorry, I have a confession to make! Your inventions didn’t get thrown out . . . I took them! Here they are! In this box!

MYRTLE

Why would you do that, Mom? Those inventions are like . . . my life!

MRS. MILBERT

I know that, sweetheart. At least, I know that now. I didn’t understand before. I couldn’t see why you enjoyed inventing so much. I just thought it was a weird hobby that was keeping you from being a normal girl. But then when I saw you looking so professional, in a real TV studio, and I realized that you’re not a normal girl—you’re so much better.

MYRTLE

Oh, Mom—

MRS. MILBERT

So take your inventions, Myrtle. Take them and show them to the world! I can’t hold you back anymore . . . I’m too proud of you.

MYRTLE

I love you, Mom!

MRS. MILBERT

Give me a hug.

ALL

Aww . . .

CLAUDIA FAIRCHILD

(crying)

Oh, that’s so sweet!

CHADWICK BUTLER

(crying)

Indeed!

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

(crying)

I’m not even paying attention and I’m getting emotional!

SECURITY GUARD

Ma’am, here’s the chicken noodle soup you asked for.

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

Oh, sweet! . . . Hey, wait a minute, you brought me a fork with it! How am I supposed to eat soup with a fork?! But then again, how am I supposed to stab the noodle pieces with a spoon? Or cut the meat pieces with a knife? Darn it, why can’t someone just make a handy, all-in-one utensil that performs the functions of a fork, a knife, and a spoon?!

MYRTLE

(disbelievingly)

. . . Do you want to use my ksporke?

KATHERINE SPRINGFIELD

A ksporke? That’s genius! I’ll give you ten million dollars if you’ll let me mass produce this . . . masterpiece!

BROOKE

Ten million dollars?!

MYRTLE

Really?

ASH

Myrtle, you’re buying me a hot tub!

MYRTLE

Mom? What should I do?

MRS. MILBERT

Take the deal, of course, silly!

MYRTLE

Okay, it’s a deal!

POPPY CAMELS

Alright then, folks! That concludes tonight’s episode! Tune in next week for our pet special, where we’ll feature the best and brightest animal inventors in town!

(to the others on stage)

Now let’s go get chimichangas!

Everyone cheers and runs off the set.

MANUEL

Llevame al partido de béisbol

Llevame con la multitud

Compreme cacahuetes y Galleta Jack

No me importa si nunca vuelvo

Y rugir, rugir para los Hot Rods

Si no ganan que lastima

Porque es uno, dos, tres y ponchado

En el pasatiempo grandioso!

He exits and the lights go down.

The End